Of late, I have been wondering, what makes a person bitter and unhappy with life?
Is it unfulfilled desires leading to resentment? Jealousy?
What caused their needs to be unfulfilled? Why were they not able to pursue what makes them happy or be happy with the choices they make?
When Googling “What makes a person bitter”, a WebMD’s article published on 24 November 2022 titled Signs of Resentment describes resentment as “a negative emotional reaction to being mistreated. There is no one cause of resentment, but most cases involve an underlying sense of being mistreated or wronged by another person.”
The article further explains that:
"Experiencing frustration and disappointment is a normal part of life. When the feelings become too overwhelming, they can contribute to resentment. Trust and love in relationships are broken and sometimes never repaired.
A person experiencing resentment will often feel a complex variety of emotions that include anger, disappointment, bitterness, and hard feelings.”
If this is so, a person either has to learn how to work through these emotions or avoid situations resulting in these feelings altogether. But humans fundamentally crave connection. Hence, to fulfil our needs for connection, we are directly putting ourselves in situations where complex emotions will arise.
Hoping to get further insight, I spoke to a practising psychologist friend. He explained that humans are uncomfortable with change. When they are ‘tied’ to another other human being, they are expected to change depending on the degree of their relationship with each other. A guy/girl might have a preferred lifestyle, but when they enter into a relationship, they are expected to change that lifestyle to accommodate their partner’s. Moving further into the relationship, there are obligations to fulfil as well.
Thus, moving the person further away from his/her original lifestyle, which they are comfortable with, resulting in resentment and bitterness over time.
This is also true in a professional setting. A manager is expected to behave differently from a junior executive, a head of a department has a different responsibility and has to carry himself/herself differently to meet it.
For some, commitments, expectations, obligations and such would lead to the ‘Martyr Syndrome’. In an article I found on Healthline published on 13 November 2019 titled Breaking Down the Martyr Complex stated that:
According to Sharon Martin, LCSW, someone with a martyr complex "sacrifices their own needs and wants to do things for others." She adds that they "don't help with a joyful heart but do so out of obligation or guilt."
She explains that this can breed anger, resentment, and a sense of powerlessness. Over time, these feelings can make a person feel trapped, without an option to say no or do things for themselves.
I believe many of us experience this, especially in our efforts to 'do good' and 'to be a good person'.
More so, if we hold certain responsibilities to care for another person's well-being, people with responsibilities are held with certain expectations.
I do not disagree. Not having our expectations met is one of the causes of disappointment, and no one likes to be sad and disappointed.
However, I believe that change and growth are inevitable. Greek philosopher Heraclitus once said, "The only constant in Life is change". It's part of living.
If we do not adapt to change, we will never have the progress we see in our lives today. Life cannot be stagnant.
Many notable people in history have said many things about change.
Albert Einstein stated, "The measure of intelligence is the ability to change”.
With change, there is growth. And isn't growth what we all strive for? To be a better version of what we were yesterday.
Hence, where does this leave us?
As human beings blessed with the ability to think and act, I believe we can consciously decide how to adapt and cope. The same article from Healthline, which was also medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD, also provided guided tips such as working on communication and setting boundaries. When coming face-to-face with someone bitter and resentful, it is also good to consider their background and to have compassion.
There are many more tips and guides that can be found on Google from mental health practitioners on how to cope and deal with this issue.
For me personally, I believe that we must be at peace with the choices we make. It might not be ideal. It might not be perfect. It might not even be right. But we have made that choice. If we are unhappy with the choice, why impose that unhappiness on the people around us?
When doing something, do it because it gives us joy and because we want to. Even if it is out of obligation. We are obligated to do it for the person because we care for them. Should that not give us joy that we are part of the reason the people we care about are happy? Yes, some things we do will be taken for granted or unappreciated. Hence, this is also why we need to set boundaries.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It does not dishonour others; it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Yes, all these are easy to say as a theory but difficult to practise in reality.
Am I an idealist for believing that somehow, it CAN be done even if it is just a fraction of it? Am I naïve to want to champion positivity in growth and change?
Is it too much of a ‘fairytale ending’ to believe that we CAN be grounded and still be who we are and yet make certain changes to grow and integrate our lives with another because we choose to care for one another? That this choice we make will not make us resentful and bitter over time because we are doing it out of love and the joy we want to bring to our lives together?
Am I a romantic to believe this is possible? Even if I am, so be it.
With that being said, I also do not like to be the reason of someone's bitterness and resentment. I do not want to be the source of someone's happiness, or unhappiness. Thus, I consciously do not depend on another person to provide what I need, from financial to emotional support.
This is why, I constantly seek to make myself strong physically, mentally, and spiritually to face the challenges life throws at me. It might seem contradictory to everything I have written above, but fundamentally it is not. Being dependent and having expectations would ultimately lead to bitterness and resentment.
When someone is happy when they are with me, or do something that they know will make me happy, it should be their choice, simply because they want to care, love and support me. And it makes them happy to do so. Not because they are forced into it. In saying so, I consciously do my best not to take things for granted as well.
I will always seek to integrate with positive growth in both my professional and personal life. And I will continue to do so as I will always remain true to what I believe and value in life.
コメント